kathymagee

So, I am part of a club on Facebook of extremely supportive women (Smokin’ Hot Mama’s Club) and part of their support is for us to get healthy and fit.  I’ve taken to running, though I had to take a break due to surgery to remove my gall bladder a few weeks ago.  I joined some ladies from the group to complete my first 5K on Saturday!  What an experience!  I’m excited that I completed it and never wanted to give up.  I’m so stoked to have done it, I am now scheduled to do my first 1/2 Marathon in October!  I even have a training schedule set up for it.  And I HATE running.  But the accomplishment of crossing the finish line is extraordinary!

I haven’t weighed in in a while so I just stepped on the scale.  I’m maintaining my 219 right now, which is good since I haven’t done anything except the 5K in 3 weeks.  Time to get back on track since I’m feeling well again.

I’m very meticulous about my weigh ins.  But I am not weighing in this week because I HAVE to use the same scale every time.  I won’t have it available until tomorrow!  UGH!  I need to get mine but it’s one of those things I left at my house when I left.  Losing weight and getting back on track wasn’t exactly high priority in my life that night! 

Okay, so I’m at my friends where I made my first weigh in.  Checked tonite…down to 222.6 lbs!  Dropped 3.4 pounds!  Not bad for the holidays!!

As the Christmas and New Year’s fast approaches, I am inclined to write my New Year’s Resolutions as I always do.  With so many changes to my life this year, I need a renewed sense of myself but first I have to figure out what needs to change.  My number one priority is ridding myself of excess baggage.  And I’m not just talking about the weight I carry.

Excess baggage comes in all different forms, physical (the weight), mental (the thoughts), emotional (the feelings), and spiritual (the soul).  I carry excess baggage in all of those and 2010 will be MY year to rid myself of the baggage:

Physical: I have a tremendous goal for 2010 in this area.  80 lbs of excess baggage that I’ve carried around for far too long.  80 lbs of emotional eating, not being active, and baby weight.  I have 40 weeks at two pounds a week.  This makes my goal date right at my daughter’s 5th birthday.  What a present to both of us!

Mental:  My thoughts are my downfall.  I’m obsessive but hold a lot of self-doubt too.  This is my year for changing this.  I’m not going to obsess about what other people think of me.  And I’m not going to doubt myself anymore.  I can do this!  I will do this!

Emotional: I am extremely emotional person.  I cry a lot…happiness, sadness, laughing…all of it makes me cry.  I’m going to get better at holding my emotions.  This past year has included a lot of anger and resentment.  I’m letting it go!  I’m learning to live in my future and not in past so I can begin to forgive and move on. 

Spiritual:  I have always been a believer in God.  When God blessed me with the birth of my child after doctor’s told me she would have all sorts of medical issues, if she even lived, I believed in His miracles.  But after experiencing that, it seeme selfish to ask God for his help with myself.  I have been asking, a lot now.  I need healing and only He can provide it for me.

A friend told me after all I’ve been through this year, I’m like a wounded bird.  I need to mend my wings so I can fly on my own again.  It’s a scary thought.  The excess baggage I carry tends to hold me back and hold me down.  Without it, I am capable of anything!

The gym I’m going to has both a co-ed gym and a women’s gym.  I have never stepped foot into the women’s gym except just to look around.  It has the same equipment, the same tvs attached to all the cardio machines, the same weights, same lighting.  But, what it doesn’t have is a huge factor in my motivation: MEN!

 It sounds stupid and I’m not even in the place to be looking for a relationship (only been separated for 3 1/2 months now), but if the thought of men watching all my junk jiggle can’t motivate me, nothing can!  I see gorgeous, sweating men on every type of cardio and weight machine there.  I see their muscles flex, their breathing become rapid, their skin flush.  It’s almost like sex, just without the, well, sex!  And I would love to be in the position to at least attract a man with a gorgeous body!  So, I work out in front of them.  I let them see me sweat and pant.  They can see I am working hard to change me and I like that! 

I’m not ashamed of what my body looks like, I’m simply not happy with it.  That’s the difference between me and the women who use the “women only gym”.  My belly is full of flab and bobs up and down with every step I run on the treadmill, every glide on the elliptical, every stair I climb on the stairmaster.  The fat on my arms flaps back and forth with all those things too.  My thighs rub together and my shorts constantly ride up because of this.  My butt continues to move long after I have stopped whatever I’m doing.

This is me right now and I am dealing with her!  I refuse to be self-conscious at the gym because of this.  I look at myself in the mirror as I lift weights…partly to make sure I’m in correct form (back straight, knees slightly bent, etc) but mostly to watch myself do what I am doing.  I feel strong with every repetition even if the weights are only set at 5 pounds.  I enjoy my sweat!  I enjoy my aching, tired muscles when I’m done!  I enjoy knowing that I am doing something that many others who are overweight or obese won’t do and that is simply to do it. 

I’m learning a lot about myself and what I want and expect out of life now that my life is essentially starting over.  I know the type of people I want in my life; that’s why I’m here.  I want support and encouragement and motivation.  I’m continually searching for people that provide me that.  For any ladies on here that are also on Facebook, check out the Smokin’ Hot Mama Club…there are over 400 women on this fan page and there are tons of ladies out there who will support us there as well!  Whatever you do, find your support systems and run like hell with them - use them, devour them up!  Stay accountable to them and they will help you along your way. 

I’m getting back to my mini goals to help me obtain my overall goals.  Since I haven’t done anything in a LONG time, there aren’t any updates or checking in to see how I’ve been doing.  Obviously, I haven’t been doing anything. 

Water: Drink 64 ounces of water a day.  I may be strange but I LOVE water.  It’s almost always my drink of choice.  But I’m adding a new goal too.  Sticking with 64 oz per day until I can do this every day.  One 12 ounce Mtn. Dew a day…this is my morning “coffee.” 

Affirmation: My affirmations are supposed to be something I believe about myself but don’t say often enough. I am strong and I can do anything I desire!

Diet: Before I had stop eating fried food and before that watch portion sizes.  Since I’m starting over, I’m back to square one.  Watch portion sizes.

Exercise:  I’m starting back up again after 8 months.  I’m pushing myself hard, just like before because I KNOW I can do it, so I have several goals right now that have to do with exercise.  Try a new class at the gym once a week.  Run/walk 1 1/2 to 2 miles EVERY day.  Weight training when I can get to the gym (it’s 45 minutes away).  Work on abs at home when I can’t get to the gym.

Crunches: I have to do so many in a short period of time to pass the physical for the police academy!  Right now I’m working on just doing them and not focusing on how many I can do in a minute.  I just want to accomplish doing them so I will get stronger.  The stronger I get, the more likely I am to meet the requirements.  The more I do them, the stronger I will get!  I’m going with 1,500 in a month.  This includes any ab work I do on machines at the gym as well. 

Push ups: I have to do push ups for the physical as well.  I know my arms are the weakest part of my body (besides my flabby abs).  But until I build up some strength in my arms to hold up my weight, I’m not putting down a true goal for this.  Continue working on machines at the gym every time I go to build up muscles in my arms.  Attempt push ups when I can’t go to the gym, even if it’s just one a day!

Smoking: I’ve decided that whoever said to drop 2 cigarettes a week until you are down to less than 6 was probably never a smoker.  I’m going cold turkey with a quit date of December 26, 2009.

Weight:  I didn’t pack on nearly as many pounds as I should have with my laziness and emotional binges, but I also know I tend to lose more in the beginning. Down to 215 pounds by January 19th.  This is 11 pounds from where I am now.  Maybe I can be down to 199 by Valentine’s Day.

Weigh ins:  I will weigh in weekly.  Probably on Friday’s since I am starting back on here today and it’s Friday.  Makes sense to me :) 

I will repost this blog on January 19th or 20th with info on how I did over the month and with my new mini goals for the next month. 

Wow, it’s really been 8 months since I’ve been on Buddyslim!  I cannot believe I let myself do that.  I wish I could say the past 8 months were well for me in my weight loss journey, but as I struggled to save my marriage, I let weight loss slide. 

My life changed dramatically 3 1/2 months ago.  I left my husband the night he was drunk and kicked in our front door and chased me through the house.  The alcohol, the scary nights, the fear of abuse has been rocking our marriage for two years and I hit my breaking point.  I filed for divorce earlier this month after finding out not only is he not working on bettering himself, but he’s already moved on to someone 14 years younger than he is!  What a slap in the face to me!

So, I’m in the worst possible position to restart my journey…living in a crowded two bedroom house with my parents, sister, niece, and my daughter.  I have no job, no money.  I have great friends and great determination this time.  I’ve applied to become a police officer (degree in Criminal Justice) and in order to get accepted to the academy, I have to pass a physical.  It’s totally kicking my ass already trying to prepare.

I lucked into a free 30 day pass to a gym, but it’s 45 miles away.  Luckily, this is the town where some friends live and where I am applying for jobs.  I won’t make it here every day, but I will go to the gym every time I’m here.  And for now that’s all I can ask for!

Today made day three in a row back at the gym.  I will also be here Saturday and Sunday.  I’m working on making my 1 1/2 mile run in under 18 minutes…I have 6 weeks.  Wednesday I did a yoga/tai chi/pilates class for the first time ever.  I had muscles hurting I didn’t know existed.  My legs were like rubber for all of Thursday.  But I pressed on and stepped onto a treadmill for the first time…EVER.  Winded and feeling like I was going to die, I pushed through my mile and a half in just over 23 minutes.  Finding out I have 6 weeks to drop that to 18 minutes is a very daunting task.  I’ve got a great friend who is encouraging and supporting me through this…he checks in to see if I’m doing what I need to be doing and makes me accountable every day, even on days I don’t make it to the gym.  Today, I hit the gym this morning and did the 1 1/2 miles again…just over 21 minutes.  I pushed myself like I never have…I WANT this…I NEED this!

I’m working on life changes.  My goal doesn’t end when I hit my 1 1/2 miles in 18 minutes.  If I get into the academy, in order to graduate, I have to do it in about 14 minutes, so I will continue on my journey to get to that point.  I’ve made some changes to my goals and how I’m going to acquire them:

December 26th is my quit smoking day.  I will be a non-smoker from that day on.  That will help with the breathing during my running and all other aspects of my health.

Water is my new best friend.  I’ve always drank a lot of water, but I’m determined to order only water any time I go out to eat.  I keep bottles of water in the trunk of my car, in the pantry, in the fridge…it’s all around me to make sure I get it in me!

Food.  Still going to continue worrying mostly about portions.  Honestly, I’m not eating enough right now.  The cold weather, the stress, running around here and there to get things done…I don’t eat much.  I’m an emotional eater…usually skipping meals to devour a bag of Werther’s Originals or reeses cups instead.  No more!  Proportioned meals…lots of veggies and fruits.  I’m not going to deprive myself of anything anymore, but I’m gonna watch how much of what I put into my mouth and body.

My soul.  I’m lost, I admit it.  I have goals and dreams and ambitions but feel a struggle within in me to obtain them.  I’ve been reading more and more, trying to absorb all the knowledge I can to get me through this.  It’s hard.  I’m turning my emotions over to God to push me through to be a better mom, a better woman, and eventually (hopefully again) a better wife.  I pray more…I devote time to reading powerful words that inspire.

“Resiliently reclaiming me, Refining my recovery
Untwist my fate, unlock the gate
Let’s make a little noise, ‘Cause it’s a brand new year
Oh, welcome to my revolution”

So, hopefully I will be updating and adding and contributing to Buddyslim more and more over the next few weeks as I get my footing back.  Thanks for the encouragements and wonderful friends on here.  I wish everyone else the best during their journey.

Kat

I was firm in my decision to start this life altering process of losing weight and keeping it off.  As many of my fabulous buddies have noticed, I’ve been absent from BuddySlim for about 2 months now.  Things literally went to hell with my relationship with my husband and some health issues of my dad.  I moved out from living with my husband for a week, but I’ve been back for almost a month now and things are going much better.  My dad made it through surgery on his carotid artery and got a clean bill of health from his vascular surgeon just today.

I’ve lucked out over the past 2 months of not going to the gym, not eating healthy, and pretty much being a lazy bum, because I’ve only gained back 3 pounds.  Maybe it’s all this stress I’ve been dealing with, but I think it’s more luck than anything. 

 So, my membership to my gym had expired (need to renew that ASAP).  My groceries look like I’m shopping for 500 kids that want a sugar high (fixing that tomorrow with grocery shopping correctly again). 

I’m not sure how often I’ll be on here to update and keep updated on everybody else who has been so wonderful to me while I’ve been here and those that keep checking on me since I’ve not been on here on a regular basis.  I’m so excited to say that those people are who bring me back here again to kick start my journey again.

I’m a perfectionist and I hate failing.  I know setbacks occur but for me to just drop off the face of BuddySlim for 2 months like I have is more like a failure to me than just a setback.  I had high hopes and goals and I’M KEEPING THOSE.  My goal dates have changed, but I’m sure by Christmas I’m going to have the kick ass bod I started out achieving by losing my initial 20 pounds!

So, I keep track of some mini goals to meet to help me meet my overall goals.  The consist of: water, affirmation to myself, diet, exercise, crunches, weight, and smoking.  Here’s how I managed for my first month (in bold italics after is my March 16, 2009 goal):

Water: supposed to get 64 oz per day, managed that less than 1/2 the time.  Did well on days I exercised and not so well on days I didn’t.  Need to be more consistent.  Sticking with 64 oz per day until I can do this every day. 

Affirmation: I am beautiful.  I had several days where I felt beautiful.  And I think from now on I’m really going to write my affirmation on the bathroom mirror so I see it every single day.  I don’t really say this to myself on a daily basis and if I saw it on the mirror every day for a month, maybe I would read it every day and start to believe it. I am extraordinary!

Diet: Stop eating fried foods.  I actually did pretty good with this, except a couple of trips to McDonalds with the kids.  Fries, chicken, hamburger are about all I eat that are fried and I’ve started baking all these at home (except hamburgers, but I drain off as much fat and grease as possible by squishing it in a paper towel).  Try new healthy foods and get out of my comfort zone.

Exercise:  Missed more days in the past week than I would have liked, but I am still recovering from my ski trip from last weekend.  I’m going to miss some days soon when I travel across the state to be with my dad when he has carotid artery surgery to undo some blockage.  But I want to get back on track and go back to my everyday of cardio at least.  I feel less stressed and more motivated to go and lose weight when I see me hitting my goals.  The goal was 30 minutes cardio and I CAN do 30 minutes of cardio without taking a break!  Yay for me!  Be up to 45 minutes cardio at least 3 times a week by March 16.

Crunches: The goal was 2,000 and I missed my mark by almost 1,000.  But I did 1,000 crunches I never did before!  I’m going to stick with the 1,000 I did because that seemed like a lot. 

Push ups: Okay, when I realized my goal was outrageously out of reach (31 in a row by the end of my month), I kinda gave up on it.  But I work harder on my arms in strength training.  I’m not going to work on this goal right now.  I’m doing a butterfly weight machine at the gym and right now I’m using now additional weight besides what it weighs (my hubby says it’s probably about 7 lbs).  My goal is to be able to add 10 lbs to it by March 16.

Smoking: The goal was to be down to 15 a day by now.  I’m not and I’ve had some really rough patches where I’ve went over my normal pack a day, but they were on very few occasions and for the most part I was on target with my drop of 2 less per week.  Today, I’m going to work really hard on separating the cigarettes so I can accurately count them.  I need to be accountable for this and work harder at this.  If I can manage with dropping 2 cigs per week, I should be down to 8 per day by March 16.

Weight:  My February 16 goal was to be 223 lbs.  Even with all the ups and downs and buying a new scale with showed me 3 lbs heavier at first, this week I dropped almost 4 pounds and came in at 222.2 lbs!!!  210 lbs…this will give me an overall weight loss of 32 lbs before my 29th birthday which is March 19.  What an awesome present to myself!

So, overall I’m extremely pleased with my progress.  I see where I need to improve and I’ve also seen what works for me and what doesn’t.

Everyone here is so supportive and understanding to what we all are going through with our weight.  And I know that there are probably many more on here who have had to deal with medical issues related to their weight or something with a family member. 

Before my weekend ski trip with my husband, my sister called and said my dad is going in Tuesday to see a vascular surgeon.  A CT scan he had done earlier in the week showed he has blockage in his carotid artery, leading to what they consider “mini-strokes”.  They are also doing a MRI of his brain on Thursday to check the extent of the damage.

My dad had pretty well be overweight for as long as I can remember.  My friends always considered him a teddy bear.  Guys were always afraid of him.  He’s dwindled down the last couple of years due to diabetic cachexia (loss of muscle) to about 180 lbs, which is tiny for my dad’s large frame.  I’m so scared and worried about him.

My dad has always been the parent I could always talk to.  He’s the one who not only provided discipline but kept me on the right track morally and emotionally throughout my life.  If I didn’t know any better, I would say the old Holly Dunne song “Daddy’s Hands” was written about my dad.  Please pray for my dad.  I will know tomorrow afternoon what the vascular surgeon says about his carotid artery and whether or not it he will have to have surgery.

Seeing the health effects my dad has had from being overweight pretty much his entire adult life, I’m even more motivated now to get this weight off.  I don’t want to be 52 and have my kids worry whether or not I’m going to be okay.  I just can’t do that to them.  Part of being a good mother is making sure my kids do not have to experience this…or at least doing everything in my power to keep them from having to experience this.   

My lifetime of this obesity bull sh*t is OVER!  I’m not staying in this house of FAT any more!  I CAN’T and I WON’T…because of my kids, because of my husband, because of my family and friends, and simply because I WANT to live.  And I WANT to live a FULL life…with MANY MANY years with the people I love.  Fifty or sixty years on this earth is NOT enough for me and if I keep going down the road I’ve been on since I was 14, that’s exactly what’s going to happen to me. 

 Update on my dad: Today was his appointment with the vascular surgeon.  His carotid artery is almost entirely blocked.  His chance of having a stroke is strong.  They will see him again next Tuesday to set up a surgery date after his brain MRI on Thursday.  My sister said the surgeon was very friendly, knowledgeable, and talked to them in a way they could understand.  He said the surgery would only take about 30 minutes and he’d only have to spend one night in the hospital.  Good news for the most part.  Thank you to everyone who has sent their thoughts and prayers!

I finally got around to buying a digital scale for my house, so if I can’t make it in to the gym on weigh-in days, I can weigh in at home.  I tried it on with clothes the first time, so I did it again last night with my gym clothes that I have been wearing for weigh-in.  Now it shows me 1.4 lbs heavier and I can accept that.  I was never sure how accurate the one at the gym was because it has the slider that you move with the balancer.  I checked it with my husband (who never weighs over 160 lbs) and it showed him as 159.2, so I’m pretty sure that’s dead on with him.  I’m not going to change my weight tracker to reflect the change.  I’ll just accept the small loss or gain come Monday.

 I’m going on a ski trip with my husband this weekend.  It’s kind of an early Valentine’s for us.  We haven’t went away for a weekend by ourselve since his birthday back in August.  We’ve also been having some relationship problems so I hope this will help us connect a little better.  We’re just so stressed out financially and then adding in our unbelievably hectic life (I work full-time, he runs a business full-time plus I help with that, he goes to college part-time, we have a 3 year old and a 14 year old, a dirty house with some issues that keep popping up, a daughter who doesn’t want to go to bed until 10:30 or 11 p.m., etc, etc, etc).  Anyway, so I’m hoping this trip will be good for both of us and our relationship.  I’m excited about skiing because I’ve never done it before.